This has been the week that feels like it has lasted a month. Already. And it's only Thursday. But tomorrow is Friday which is good. Very good. It too will be a long day. Starts a five am and goes on until 9 pm. But, after 12ish it will all be stuff of my own choosing. Well, and errands which I find annoying but must be done anyway.
Here's how the week went:
Monday: I had a workshop after work and my phone died. Really died. It was limping along for a while.
Tuesday: long day. work, home group, cold weather, snow, couldn't get the church door open.
Wednesday: just a long day
Thursday: another long day. parent late on top of 9 1/2 hour day.
Early bed.
Tomorrow I speak at an A.A. meeting. I get to tell my story. Here in Pittsburgh, that means I am the only one who gets to speak. Nice and relaxing for the rest of the folks.
However I am really quite joyful about the whole *Marjie doesn't do other people's displays of viloence/anger dicovery.
It keeps coming to me and clarifying new situations in shich this and not something else was the cause of my fear/rage/sick feeling/faintness/breathlessness. Doesn't sound fun but it's nice to know that there is a real cause for how these situations have always made me feel.
It is just possible that now I would be able to actually leave such a situation and not feel so paralyzed. And these did not have to be situations where I felt I was actually in danger.
Learning about all my parts is actually quite rewarding.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
things that I've been thinking about
So, I've been at it again. Thinking, letting things ferment. Since I don't eat or drink fermented food these days, well, something has got to ferment so it has been my thoughts. More specifically, my thoughts on the first Iron Pentacle and the *things I learned that weekend*.
And yes, it would seem to be a weighty and important subject to me, having now three, yes three blogs related to it.
And so, what did I learn? Well, I learned that other people's anger creates a PTS situation for me. I love my Dad. I do. But I am not blind to his faults either. He had an explosive temper during my childhood, youth, and young adulthood. Even when I was certain I would not be a target of his anger it terrified me. Therefore, put in the situation where everyone else was stalking around acting out their anger...not the best place for me. I really felt like I was going to pass out or be sick. Really. I'm not terribly dramatic like that. I don't feign illness to get attention. I tend to go the other way and pretend to be fine when I am really ill and should go home. I'm just saying. But, I backed out of the exercise and sat with my back to the fireplace (cold and blocked off---but facing NORTH. And no, I was not intentionally aware of that at the moment.) This gave me some sense of safety or security. Whatever. It allowed me to not faint or be sick. And I had some time to collect myself. This made it possible for me to continue to participate in the class.
I was not unaware of how strong my reaction was to these events at the time. But, I've done had some experience with this and I KNEW just by the non reaction of the teacher and co-teacher that for whatever reason, no one was asking me what the hell had happened. So, I was not going to volunteer to bare my soul. People, I *give it away to keep it* every day. It don't mean that you give what you don't have. But surely we all have compassion? Or not. Anyway, I felt little or no compassion there that day. I have actually felt more compassion from strangers. No, I was not crying. Tears are not the only expression of human distress. But we seem to set great store by them. Yep, might as well deal with it now as it seems to be spilling out of the keyboard despite the fact that this was NOT the intended topic of the day. I felt badly used and abandoned by the teacher and co-teacher of the first class. Yes, Reclaiming does indeed tell people to get the proper treatment for what ever the hell ails you and Reclaiming is not it. Which it is not. But my issue is that responsibility goes just a bit further than that. Especially when teachers are being brought in from out of town to teach really powerful stuff to people they do not know working in groups they do not know. It might be better if less experienced *teachers* taught this stuff to people they work with on a regular basis. People with whom they have built a relationship and have a foundation with. See, this, I think, might be more important than making sure teachers are somehow certified. Cause then there might actually be someone left in the group to suggest that the afflicted party, me, might actually need some sort of outside help. Cause once these people were done with us there wasn't any group left to work with and there wasn't anyone left to give me a reality check. Fortunately, for me, I have a rock solid relationship with a Goddess of my Understanding and she has a rock solid relationship with me. I don't always listen the first time, but She is always persistent. So, in the end, I got the help I needed and no harm done, really. Except, now I have a fear of people leaving the group. At least I know what it's about and it's not just some nameless panic. Enough about my abandonment issues.
What I really intended to blog about today was the strength and power I have found in this whole situation. (But if you know me you might know that I do a lot, A LOT of bitching on my way to the positive view. Hence, the previous paragraph. And so, how do I see this as strength and power? Well, how about this, I held this issue for something like four years. In silence. In my heart and head until it became something I could work with. A lot like codependency. Had to hold THAT for a lot longer. And there's power in that too. Hold it I did. I was not unaware of it. No. It was just too painful to deal with before. Too close. Or it had not germinated yet. Or I had not grown enough to deal with it. Or it had not fermented long enough. See, along the way, I found that I could look with fresh and honest eyes and heart at my co dependence, and actually take positive steps to deal with it. It doesn't make it less painful but the actions allow more growth. (Step Seven)
How the hell do people do this stuff without the 12 steps? Beyond me. Cause if you read my previous posts on this subject you will see that the first thing I did was go back to meetings. Yep. The ain't witches but the got a handle on the life/soul changing stuff. They get it. Most of the witches I've worked with here in Pittsburgh don't actually go there. No, they run from there. I can't run from it. To resist is more than futile, it's fatal.
And so I find myself amazed at my own power. Amazed at my own tenacity. I could have left. I could have. I had been told to *take care of my self*. The rest of the group interpreted that as *I can't do this so I will just stop.* I can't stop. I have to break down what is difficult into pieces that I CAN do and just get on with it. In the end the results are powerful and amazing. And my relationship with the Goddess just gets deeper and stronger. Like Who held me up when I had no idea what was going on? Who pointed me in the right direction? Who gave me the strength and stamina to do the little stuff that became the big stuff in the end? Why my Higher Power, of course. We got something going on. Rock on, girls!
And yes, it would seem to be a weighty and important subject to me, having now three, yes three blogs related to it.
And so, what did I learn? Well, I learned that other people's anger creates a PTS situation for me. I love my Dad. I do. But I am not blind to his faults either. He had an explosive temper during my childhood, youth, and young adulthood. Even when I was certain I would not be a target of his anger it terrified me. Therefore, put in the situation where everyone else was stalking around acting out their anger...not the best place for me. I really felt like I was going to pass out or be sick. Really. I'm not terribly dramatic like that. I don't feign illness to get attention. I tend to go the other way and pretend to be fine when I am really ill and should go home. I'm just saying. But, I backed out of the exercise and sat with my back to the fireplace (cold and blocked off---but facing NORTH. And no, I was not intentionally aware of that at the moment.) This gave me some sense of safety or security. Whatever. It allowed me to not faint or be sick. And I had some time to collect myself. This made it possible for me to continue to participate in the class.
I was not unaware of how strong my reaction was to these events at the time. But, I've done had some experience with this and I KNEW just by the non reaction of the teacher and co-teacher that for whatever reason, no one was asking me what the hell had happened. So, I was not going to volunteer to bare my soul. People, I *give it away to keep it* every day. It don't mean that you give what you don't have. But surely we all have compassion? Or not. Anyway, I felt little or no compassion there that day. I have actually felt more compassion from strangers. No, I was not crying. Tears are not the only expression of human distress. But we seem to set great store by them. Yep, might as well deal with it now as it seems to be spilling out of the keyboard despite the fact that this was NOT the intended topic of the day. I felt badly used and abandoned by the teacher and co-teacher of the first class. Yes, Reclaiming does indeed tell people to get the proper treatment for what ever the hell ails you and Reclaiming is not it. Which it is not. But my issue is that responsibility goes just a bit further than that. Especially when teachers are being brought in from out of town to teach really powerful stuff to people they do not know working in groups they do not know. It might be better if less experienced *teachers* taught this stuff to people they work with on a regular basis. People with whom they have built a relationship and have a foundation with. See, this, I think, might be more important than making sure teachers are somehow certified. Cause then there might actually be someone left in the group to suggest that the afflicted party, me, might actually need some sort of outside help. Cause once these people were done with us there wasn't any group left to work with and there wasn't anyone left to give me a reality check. Fortunately, for me, I have a rock solid relationship with a Goddess of my Understanding and she has a rock solid relationship with me. I don't always listen the first time, but She is always persistent. So, in the end, I got the help I needed and no harm done, really. Except, now I have a fear of people leaving the group. At least I know what it's about and it's not just some nameless panic. Enough about my abandonment issues.
What I really intended to blog about today was the strength and power I have found in this whole situation. (But if you know me you might know that I do a lot, A LOT of bitching on my way to the positive view. Hence, the previous paragraph. And so, how do I see this as strength and power? Well, how about this, I held this issue for something like four years. In silence. In my heart and head until it became something I could work with. A lot like codependency. Had to hold THAT for a lot longer. And there's power in that too. Hold it I did. I was not unaware of it. No. It was just too painful to deal with before. Too close. Or it had not germinated yet. Or I had not grown enough to deal with it. Or it had not fermented long enough. See, along the way, I found that I could look with fresh and honest eyes and heart at my co dependence, and actually take positive steps to deal with it. It doesn't make it less painful but the actions allow more growth. (Step Seven)
How the hell do people do this stuff without the 12 steps? Beyond me. Cause if you read my previous posts on this subject you will see that the first thing I did was go back to meetings. Yep. The ain't witches but the got a handle on the life/soul changing stuff. They get it. Most of the witches I've worked with here in Pittsburgh don't actually go there. No, they run from there. I can't run from it. To resist is more than futile, it's fatal.
And so I find myself amazed at my own power. Amazed at my own tenacity. I could have left. I could have. I had been told to *take care of my self*. The rest of the group interpreted that as *I can't do this so I will just stop.* I can't stop. I have to break down what is difficult into pieces that I CAN do and just get on with it. In the end the results are powerful and amazing. And my relationship with the Goddess just gets deeper and stronger. Like Who held me up when I had no idea what was going on? Who pointed me in the right direction? Who gave me the strength and stamina to do the little stuff that became the big stuff in the end? Why my Higher Power, of course. We got something going on. Rock on, girls!
Friday, February 22, 2008
things that explode
I always assumed that if and when my life exploded I would be aware of it exactly at the time that it happened. But, ya know, I am finding that exploding lives are sort of like the eye of a tornado. Yep, all this stuff is spinning around and in the middle is me and I'm just doing the stuff I do, like breathing and working and I wonder why it is so hard to do the daily stuff but I never see the storm until it is over. I suspect that this is some sort of pain management technique. Somehow, it allows me to continue to live my daily life while processing painful or difficult information in some other part of my brain other than the part that deals with bills and walking the dog and making food. But don't be fooled by the seeming normalcy. In some part of my brain and body things are going on. I know this because time after time difficult things come to me fully formed and ready to be looked at and dealt with. This process is not for the ordinary difficult stuff of life, like people one doesn't want to really spend time with but who seem to want to spend time with me anyway. How do I tell them *no* and not feel like a really snobby heel? Difficult, yes. Needing to be processed in some inaccessible region of the brain, no. No, this process is for the stuff that is too painful to look at right away, all at once. The stuff that has to be chewed on like cud. Sometimes for years. I am never totally unaware that it is there. No, I know about it. I just can't really DO anything with it until is gestates. Like some of the stuff that came up in that Iron Pentacle class a few years back. It just needed time to gestate. And the nice thing is that whereever it goes while it is gestating, the pain of it is reduced to something that I can live with. But I do have a REALLY high tolerance for pain. Now I get to take it all out and look at it. I think I can process it now. I can acknowledge th pain without a panic attack. Unlike the first time.
This, I believe, is Step Seven. It is part of humility A.A. style and being who I am in all my parts. The tricky bit is that we don't know what some of those parts are until we meet them. But part of the process of Step Seven is learning to meet those parts and not panic; but to reach for them knowing that we are not alone. It really is easier to reach for them than to run from them kicking and screaming. They'll make themselves known anyway. Might as well be honest, openminded, and willing.
This, I believe, is Step Seven. It is part of humility A.A. style and being who I am in all my parts. The tricky bit is that we don't know what some of those parts are until we meet them. But part of the process of Step Seven is learning to meet those parts and not panic; but to reach for them knowing that we are not alone. It really is easier to reach for them than to run from them kicking and screaming. They'll make themselves known anyway. Might as well be honest, openminded, and willing.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
things that are difficult
I am revisiting something that I found difficult. If you know me you may not be surprised. I've been doing this for a while now. It all began with Algebra II wherein I took the class again to get a higher grade. I did.
Then it moved on to things like getting sober and the whole world of codependency.
Both difficult. Both needed to be revisited. Although, I might add that the codependency issue needed to be revisited with a rather large lapse of time in between visits.
Now the thing that I am revisiting is the Iron Pentacle. If you don't know what that is you may ask. I will explain. But for now I shall just assume that if you are reading this blog you have some idea.
My first go round with the Iron Pentacle was difficult. Difficult, dramatic, and probably dangerous. But, I am one of those people who jump first and look for my wings while already airborne.
Difficult because I was in new territory on a weekend workshop. With strangers and pretty new circle mates. Why did we do it, you ask? Well, it was how we were lead to understand that one builds *community*. And we all sorta knew what the deal was. We weren't new but we were new to each other. This just ain't work to do with strangers. Really. I gotta be honest and say I was kinda blown away by the work. I liked it. Don't get me wrong. We'd done 2 Elements classes together and a Ritual Artistry class by this point. But this was different. This was more personal. And although we had been working together for a time there weren't any real connections built. This made the work more difficult for me. See, I've been doing work that, I think, parallels the work of the Pentacles for years. It's called The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you think I'm kidding, you try it. Really, honestly, seriously, like your life depends on it, try it. All 12 Steps. You'll see. It is difficult and life changing/soul changing stuff. But it is done on the basis of folks having built some kind of relationship within which this really hard work can be done. And we did not have the framework for such work. We just didn't know that. I don't know how the work affected the other members of the class cause we sorta fell apart after that. And there you have it!
Dangerous? Well, that was unforseeable before the event. Cause I had no idea that little ole me who had been diligently working on herself all those years had some issues I was not even aware of. Until that weekend. But, dangerous? Well, yes. In retrospect I must give immense credit to the Goddess Who has carried me through many difficult and dangerous experiences these many years and She carried me through that weekend and the shattering aftemath. Cause it was a weekend workshop, remember? And the woman who taught it went home to another state on Sunday. Right? Right! And there's me left with all this crap and no one I felt would either understand or care. So, that left me with my truly awesome Higher Power to get me sorted out.
But, come now. Dangerous? Everyone has issues, right? How dangerous could it have been? Well, here's how: I had been sober for some time (over 10 years) but I had not been to meetings and had not kept up contact with anyone. (Another long story--another time perhaps.) So, I was kinda out there alone...except for my awesome Higher Power. I knew I was not in that alone and I knew I could count on Her but it was a dangerous place for any alcoholic. I made it. Yes, indeed. But it was a gift really.
Dramatic? Well, yep. Not only was there lots of acting out of the points and the matching points on the rust and gilded pentacles but the effects of the class where dramatic in my life. Let's just say that I musta found what I really wanted cause even after all that I'm still here!
I forgot isolating. Doing this work among a group with tenuous attachments was very isolating for me. Let's just put it this way: Not too long after this workshop I found my little way back to meetings and back to people who spoke my language and understood that this work requires CONNECTION...it is not an option.
So, after all that, I am going to try it again. NOT a weekend workshop. NOT a group without connections. NOT a teacher who lives in another state. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, and if it should go badly, I've been back to meetings for years and I have good connections there too and they all know I'm a witch. So, even if they don't actually understand, they'll listen.
Let's pray for gentle changes and understanding, shall we?
Then it moved on to things like getting sober and the whole world of codependency.
Both difficult. Both needed to be revisited. Although, I might add that the codependency issue needed to be revisited with a rather large lapse of time in between visits.
Now the thing that I am revisiting is the Iron Pentacle. If you don't know what that is you may ask. I will explain. But for now I shall just assume that if you are reading this blog you have some idea.
My first go round with the Iron Pentacle was difficult. Difficult, dramatic, and probably dangerous. But, I am one of those people who jump first and look for my wings while already airborne.
Difficult because I was in new territory on a weekend workshop. With strangers and pretty new circle mates. Why did we do it, you ask? Well, it was how we were lead to understand that one builds *community*. And we all sorta knew what the deal was. We weren't new but we were new to each other. This just ain't work to do with strangers. Really. I gotta be honest and say I was kinda blown away by the work. I liked it. Don't get me wrong. We'd done 2 Elements classes together and a Ritual Artistry class by this point. But this was different. This was more personal. And although we had been working together for a time there weren't any real connections built. This made the work more difficult for me. See, I've been doing work that, I think, parallels the work of the Pentacles for years. It's called The Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you think I'm kidding, you try it. Really, honestly, seriously, like your life depends on it, try it. All 12 Steps. You'll see. It is difficult and life changing/soul changing stuff. But it is done on the basis of folks having built some kind of relationship within which this really hard work can be done. And we did not have the framework for such work. We just didn't know that. I don't know how the work affected the other members of the class cause we sorta fell apart after that. And there you have it!
Dangerous? Well, that was unforseeable before the event. Cause I had no idea that little ole me who had been diligently working on herself all those years had some issues I was not even aware of. Until that weekend. But, dangerous? Well, yes. In retrospect I must give immense credit to the Goddess Who has carried me through many difficult and dangerous experiences these many years and She carried me through that weekend and the shattering aftemath. Cause it was a weekend workshop, remember? And the woman who taught it went home to another state on Sunday. Right? Right! And there's me left with all this crap and no one I felt would either understand or care. So, that left me with my truly awesome Higher Power to get me sorted out.
But, come now. Dangerous? Everyone has issues, right? How dangerous could it have been? Well, here's how: I had been sober for some time (over 10 years) but I had not been to meetings and had not kept up contact with anyone. (Another long story--another time perhaps.) So, I was kinda out there alone...except for my awesome Higher Power. I knew I was not in that alone and I knew I could count on Her but it was a dangerous place for any alcoholic. I made it. Yes, indeed. But it was a gift really.
Dramatic? Well, yep. Not only was there lots of acting out of the points and the matching points on the rust and gilded pentacles but the effects of the class where dramatic in my life. Let's just say that I musta found what I really wanted cause even after all that I'm still here!
I forgot isolating. Doing this work among a group with tenuous attachments was very isolating for me. Let's just put it this way: Not too long after this workshop I found my little way back to meetings and back to people who spoke my language and understood that this work requires CONNECTION...it is not an option.
So, after all that, I am going to try it again. NOT a weekend workshop. NOT a group without connections. NOT a teacher who lives in another state. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, and if it should go badly, I've been back to meetings for years and I have good connections there too and they all know I'm a witch. So, even if they don't actually understand, they'll listen.
Let's pray for gentle changes and understanding, shall we?
Friday, February 08, 2008
showing up
I was thinking about my evening tonight. It was fun. I went out for Thai food with friends after the meeting. This is the direct result of mostly just showing up. every week same bat time same bat meeting. Sounds easy doesn't it? Well, yes and no. See, that kind of showing up means showing up even when I don't want to. Showing up when I'm sure everyone there thinks I'm an idiot. Showing up when I could not stop crying. Showing up when I was really glad to be there. Helping set up, helping wash dishes, helping put stuff away. Meeting people's eyes, talking to them, remembering to ask how THEY are, yeah, some of that is difficult. The thing is that after a while it begins to pay off. People get comfortable and begin to feel safe when ya keep showing up. They do crazy things like give you a key to a big East End church (two big East End churches, actually). I've been going to this same meeting for a year. I was asked to be the secretary (a far cry from when my sponsor just announced to me that I would be the secretary some 17-17 1/2 years ago in a meeting that no longer exisits). I was taken out to dinner to celebrate my anniversary last Friday. Which was very cool because it was on the day and all. And quite unexpected. We did the same for another woman who has 17 years tonight. (her anniversary was actually Tuesday). See, all along what I've wanted was attention. But it has taken me a long time to figure out what kind of attention I REALLY wanted. Now, I am pretty sure that I want positive attention and from people with whom I've built some kind of relationship. But, since I've never actually done this before I had no idea that the middle bit of the journey could actually be harder than the beginning. See, the beginning is hard because everything and everyone is new. I don't really do well in those situations. Being in a new situation can be so overwhelming that I sort of shut out a lot. Like I'm overstimulated and I can't take it all in. Keeps me safe. Apparently enough gets in for me to be able to decide whether I want to go there or do that again. It's better than it used to be but still uncomfortable and overwhelming. Then, comes the middle part where I've been there and done that before. I'm getting comfortable and able to take in more of who is there and what is going on around me. Then if I really like it and want to be a part of what is going on it becomes painful because I am still not really there yet. I just want to be. I know names and faces but not the real dynamics yet. Not a part of anything just a regular bystander. What has happened now is that I am clearly past the point where I am a bystander. (I get to call group conscience meetings.) I am a part of something that I wanted to be a part of. I'm glad that in the middle, horrible, lonely bit I did not go with the idea that I should just stop torturing myself and go back and play with the familiar but unhealthy folks I had been playing with.
Clearly, any one who would be my instant friend should be a BIG RED FLAG!!
Clearly, any one who would be my instant friend should be a BIG RED FLAG!!
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